I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
