If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This is classic penis vs brain.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
