woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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