then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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