My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i came on her dog
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
