The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize