So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
