No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
