after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
