i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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