Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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