ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
