Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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