I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
