I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
