Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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