I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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