Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
