im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
