I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
