the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
