just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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