wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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