so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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