he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
