eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
