I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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