I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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