party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
