Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
