There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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