remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
