At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
