A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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