she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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