evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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