i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
