went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
