Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
