I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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