I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
