Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
