im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
