Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
