you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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