This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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