The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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