Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
