she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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