$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
