im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
