I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
