Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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