Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
