Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize