She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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