dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
