I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
