I wanna passion pit in your ass
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
