I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Welp...herpes.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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