I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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