I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
