Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this beer tastes like vomit already
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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